TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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