just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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