He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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