It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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