I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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