Buhtt sex?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
