if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
