Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
