So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
no you cant smoke seaweed
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
