Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
my poor anus
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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