No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
