Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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