you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
