Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
