Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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