Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
