What a fucking waste of an outfit
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
