Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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