i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
