I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
