i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
