Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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