Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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