Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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