I am puke
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
