he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
