i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize