bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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