Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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