As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
