ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
