I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
