watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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