Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
