So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
