so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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