On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
