Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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