last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He? As in you personified your dick?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
