I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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