Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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