I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
