It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
