i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
