3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
