My hand turned me down
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
