I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
As shirtless as possible
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
