Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Randomize
