mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
