I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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