we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
