it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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