If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
