I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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