I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
