I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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