All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
